Laughter Is the Best Medicine

I've been accused of being lazy lately as I haven't posted in a few days. Truth be told I've just been trying to word things from an incident the other day that left many of us pissed off, and the morale took a temporary dip in massive quantities. Fortunately being the type of troops that we are we soon made light of the situation (well, at least the part that was deserving of it) and morale is steadily gaining back to where it should be.

Its been my observation that many of us turn to humor when things seem to be bleak. I know I do, partly because I don't like taking things serious 99.9% of the time, and partly because I've always been told don't sweat the small stuff...and its all small stuff if projectiles aren't being sent in my general direction (in other words, life or death).

Humor among soldiers is something that most civilians are fortunate enough to never understand. I've tried posting some of it here but it always comes across as a bit "off". So tonight I present some of the "cleaner" things that make us laugh.

Email Humor:

New Directions for any war:

Send Service Vets over 60! I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing backward. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.

For starters:

Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep. I'm tired and hungry.' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some jerk that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.

An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys always get up early to pee so what the heck. Besides, like I said, 'I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical s.o.b.'

If captured, we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course, however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any push-ups after completing basic training. Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head or one ear!! These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.

Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple of million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them. If nothing else, put us on border patrol....we will have it secured the first night!


Poster Humor (Vietnam Era):

DEFINITION OF RANK

General

Leaps tall buildings in a single bound, is more powerful than a locomotive, is faster than a speeding bullet, walks on water amid typhoons, gives policy to God.

Colonel

Leaps short buildings in a single bound, is more powerful than a switch engine, is just as fast as a speeding bullet, walks on water if sea is calm, talks to God.

LT Colonel

Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds, is almost as powerful as a switch engine, is faster than a speeding BB, walks on water in an indoor swimming pool, talks to God if a DA-4187 is approved.

Major

Barely clears Quonset hut, looses tug-of-war with switch engine, can fire a speeding bullet, swims well, is occasionally addressed by God.

Captain

Makes high marks by trying to leap buildings, is run over by a locomotive, can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury, dog paddles, talks to animals.

First Lieutenant

Runs into buildings, recognizes locomotives two out of three times, is not issued ammunition, can stay afloat if properly instructed in the Mae West, talks to walls.

Second Lieutenant

Falls over doorstep when trying to enter building, says "look at the choo-choo", wets himself, plays in mud puddles, mumbles to himself.

Sergeant

Lifts tall buildings and walks under them, kicks locomotives off the tracks, catches speeding bullets in his teeth and eats them, freezes water with a single glance, HE IS GOD.

So, most officers I've met don't like the poster humor much...and they tell us we need to have thick skins. As it stands though, those are two small examples of things we find funny around here. If anyone knows where I can find a DA-4187 please let me know.

Until then, everyone be safe.

~~~