Unkowns

A couple of years and another blog ago I once wrote an entry about the fears and concerns I had facing deployment and being a single parent.  It was picked up and published by Military Parenting.com (which I discovered while writing this is no longer up and operational).  Since that blog was deleted in what seems like eons ago I have reposted it here:

Unknown



Function: noun


1 : one that is not known or not well-known; especially : a person who is little known (as to the public)


2 : something that requires discovery, identification



The unknown, something some look forward to, some fear, and all are not able to deal with until it happens. There are a lot of unknowns in Life that I look forward to meeting such as trips planned with friends, holidays with family, working with those who's company I enjoy, missions for the military, learning new things, and finding out just how many licks it takes to get to the tootsie roll center of a tootsie pop (without biting).

Then there are the unknowns that I dislike the idea of, and to a point even fear a bit. Examples of these are the possibility of deployment yet again, my sister's health status, how many miles I will get on my Jeeps until they are un-drivable, what those annoying drivers are going to do next, and what the parking situation at work will be like when I show up in the mornings.


Of all the unknowns in my life right now though the one that scares me outright is going back over to the sandbox. Don't get me wrong I am more than willing to do the job if it is asked of me once again. What bothers me is whether I will come home to my children, or be forced to return to only having them with me part time. One of the conditions of being granted primary physical custody of my kids was that I had to completely separate from the military. For those who have never served, much less spent over 12 years training and living with the same group of people, separating from a unit more than likely seems like an easy thing to do. Those people couldn't be more wrong about things.


One of the most misunderstood aspects of me is that my military unit is family. Just as much as my children, siblings, and parents. As mentioned before I have spent over 14 years with my unit, and despite the normal turn-around of any unit there is a core group of us that have been around the entire time (minus the two years I was absent that is). We are called "lifers" by some. I used to always say I would never be a lifer, then I re-enlisted for the first time and my then platoon sergeant welcomed me to the group. I thought he was crazy for thinking I'd ever re-enlist after that initial time...I was wrong. The two years I was a civilian were unquestionably the worst time of my life ever. Not only was there the PTSD issues (that have since been taken care of due largely in part to the assistance of my brothers in uniform), but I was living a lie by telling myself I should listen to those who never knew what it was like to serve and ignore the part of myself that will always be a soldier. I was constantly being told by people that I should be thankful to be a civilian, that there was no way I could feel the loyalty and camaraderie I had for my unit, and in a nutshell should just deny/forget the over half of my life that was spent in uniform. There is truth to the saying that no man is an island. There is also truth to the saying that a man who is not whole is not a man at all. A person can't be at their full potential if they are in denial about who/what they are.


Soldiers, and National Guard components troops especially, have complex lives. We are soldiers first, family members second. Some would say this is selfish of us to do. Unfortunately there may be some truth to this. However one must also remember it is a necessity not just for us, but for everyone. To the National Guardsman there is a third role we play and that is of being a civilian employee as well as a soldier and family member. This third role often causes strain on the first two for not only are we gone the usual 40+ hours a week with our jobs, then there is the added time away for monthly training drills, two to three week Annual Trainings, various length missions during the in-between drill times, and year or longer deployments over-seas.


For the typical active duty military members Field Training Exercises (FTXs) are routine. In recent years so are long length deployments. For them time away from family is a routine, albeit not liked, evil. For the National Guardsman it is the proverbial monster under the bed. Always there in back of your mind, occasionally peeking out and making its presence known. Unlike the active duty though, being away from family/employment for longer than a few weeks isn't routine. This causes stress not just on the soldier's family, but their employer (Federal law states our jobs must be held for us), and the soldiers themselves.


For the soldier who is a single parent, even more stress is added as lately Family Court judges are taking custody away from the military parent to give to the civilian parent regardless of living conditions or parenting history. There is one soldier in Iowa who had his children removed from his custody while he was over-seas that is fighting the good fight to bring his kids back home to him now that he has returned. However he is not making much progress. The Iowa Supreme Court has ruled that Family Law supersedes Federal Law that states legal action cannot be taken against a soldier while they are deployed in service of their country. I find this offensive as what I read of the case stated that the children were taken away from their mother and put in the custody of their father, a soldier with a Family Care Plan (a document required by the military of single parent soldiers stating who will be granted temporary care/custody of their children in the event that the soldier is deployed), yet not even two months into the soldier's deployment he was notified that his ex-wife had petitioned the courts to have SOLE custody granted to her. What disgusts me to no end is that the courts proceeded to hear the case, and returned custody to the mother while removing it totally from the soldier...all while he was in a combat zone doing a job where being distracted by things going on at home could literally make the difference between life and death for not just him but those who depended on him. Not only that, but the soldier was supposed to be under the protection of Federal law against just such a legal case against him.


Recently rumors are starting to fly that my unit may be getting the call again. For the record, these are RUMORS. What scares me though is the possibility that while I am out of the country having my happy truck driving ass shot at, my ex who has been declared an unfit mother and had all three of her children taken away from her could petition the courts and be granted sole custody of our kids, and there wouldn't be a thing I or my family could do about it.


I don't worry about my own safety (God blesses fools and idiots) but I do worry about what could happen to my kids if I am not around. For those who think the obvious course to take is separate from the military again couldn't be more wrong. Ever since I re-enlisted I have been whole again, and it carries over into the interaction my children and I have. Our relationship has improved dramatically for the better. There were times when I was a civilian that my kids would ask to stay at their grandparents' simply because they didn't like being around me. I got angry over stupid stuff, I was impatient, withdrawn, and over-all quite bitter. You try living a life that you know is a lie while denying who/what you are and see how well you do.


While my children do not always fully understand what has gone on, they do know that things are better between us, I am healthier, and they are loved/wanted. Yes, sometimes they don't like it when I have to go away for training/schooling/missions, but they do know that I will always come back to them...and I will, no matter where I go or why.
 
 
Things have changed some since I wrote that post.  For starters the rumors ended up being true and the unit did deploy.  Second, my sister passed away less than six months before the unit left for Home Station Training (that originally caused a lot of anxiety/stress with my mother.  She just lost one child and there was the potential to lose another).  Iowa has cleaned up its act on removing custody from deployed parents (but still has work to do), I am down to one Jeep, and the parking situation at work has gotten even worse in the mornings.  There is also an additional person I promised to return to (and if what we are being told is true before November arrives I will have kept that promise to the kids and her).
 
Just as I wrote about the concerns and fears of possibly deploying, it is also not uncommon for soldiers to have concerns and possible fears about re-deploying HOME.  As we are continually (and rightly so) briefed, life back home has moved on without us.  Our friends and loved ones have changed while we were away, and we ourselves have changed also.  I have heard (and been part of) a decent amount of talk from those of us who have deployed before wondering if we will adjust to being back home easier than we did previously, or if quirks will still pop up from time to time.  I won't give specific examples without permission, but almost all of us to a person that have been discussing the issue mention being very uncomfortable in large crowds after returning home last time.  Fireworks and back-firing cars were also popular sources of concerns.
 
Relationships have also been brought up as a source of possible concern.  Not just with couples getting reacquainted with each other, but also with soldiers like myself who are returning to ones that were just beginning when we had to leave for the Middle East.  I think those like myself may have it slightly easier, for we never had the time to really get into a routine with someone, instead of getting reacquainted we will be discovering the pattern that comes with being with someone.
 
Then there is my children.  This past year they've been living with Grandma and Grandpa, who often view things quite differently than I do.  I know in the past I haven't always been the best parent, but I also know from experience that people can and often do change.  Going home is both a bit scary, but also exciting as it offers the chance to start from Square One again, almost like having a clean slate.  Things with the kids will be different, that is a given.  They've grown older, they have their routine for living with their grandparents (some of which will be incorporated into the new routine at home), and there's the possibility of having a fourth in our home at least part time...and with time as well. 
 
It has been stressed often lately, and I believe rightly so, that we need to take things slow when we return home, to ease into life in the World and not to rush things.  Unfortunately there are those back home who don't take that into consideration, they have their plans for us (well intended I have no doubt), but some of them want to rush us into things.  How soon is too soon to get back into the swing of things?  I don't know.  More than likely it depends on the individual soldier and the environment they are returning home to.  Myself, I am hoping to have at least a week to get the house back in order, move the kids' things back home, and get used to going from having people around 24/7 to going back to being alone during the day. 
 
Along with the kids I need to figure out a balance of spending time with my girlfriend as well (who God Bless her has asked for as much information about helping soldiers readjust to being home as I can find her.  She also wants to make sure I maximize my time to have as much as possible with the kids).
 
Overall, at some level or another I think all of us have at least a couple concerns about returning home.  This is perfectly natural (although as Croaker said, knowing that doesn't make the anxiety go away any) and having the support of loved ones helps makes our transition easier, just as having our support helps them transition as well.
 
One last quick note, in case anyone is wondering what ever happened to the bottle cap, it was carried in my uniform pocket every day, and went into Iraq with me on every mission.  It is a bit scratched up, and there is a dent on the side (dent, not break).  Looking at the past year and the ups-and-downs relationship-wise I can still say the bottle cap is a pretty good representation of things between myself and the bartender who threw it at me:  Its not perfect, but its still whole.  Despite everything, it couldn't be broken.
 
Everyone be safe, we're single digit midgets.
 
~~~