Personal Feelings

Packing my life away into boxes tonight. Its something I've been putting off for quite a while (part procrastination, part avoiding the situation ahead) but I can stall no longer. There's something ominous about knowing you're life is going to be put on hold for over a year, something that looms over you like a dark, dark storm cloud yet at the same times weighs so heavily on your shoulders you feel getting out of bed is a herculean task. The entire household is on edge, the kids can pick up on something being wrong with me, and being kids are not quite sure how to express their own feelings.

Better than anyone I realize and accept the situation is no one's fault but my own. At times like this though, I do feel a bit alone even though I realize my situation is not unique and there are others getting ready to leave, and some of those others are single parents like myself. At times like this though, that knowledge isn't really all that helpful...it would be nice to have another adult around the house to talk with.

In the soundtrack of my life, the current tune would be by The Doors, entitled "The End". This song is going through my head not because of the title but because if you listen carefully to the lyrics you can hear a large number of references to military life. Given the era in which it was written, I'm pretty sure its about a person's experience getting ready to head to Vietnam. I could be wrong though. Part of my reasons for this theory is I came across an analysis of the song in an autobiography by one of the Rangers on his experiences in 'Nam and how some of the lyrics were awfully familiar. I always get a kick out of the lyric "he put his boots on", to which in the book the question is raised "why did he take them off?"

Given my feelings lately you're probably wondering, "why did you even re-enlist?" That's a good question. One in which I have spent a lot of time pondering these last few weeks. Like all questions though, it is one that should not be asked unless you are truly prepared to hear the answer. If you're not, you might want to find something different to read. If you are, by all means read on.

I pondered and pondered and pondered that question some more. Dug deep into the cobweb infested, way back regions of my mind to when I first was sworn in back on 07January1993. I looked at all the reasons I came up with, and realized they all boil down to one single reason, one reason that even scientists admit is close to insanity: Love.

I serve not for recognition (despite how this entire blog site may come across at times), nor for adventure (all expense paid trip to an exotic land and gear provided), nor greed (we get some pretty decent bonuses at times), nor to attract women (I'll never understand the whole "guys in uniform thing" although I have had a few offers for dates lately). It all comes down to love. Love of my family and wanting to give the children a better world to live in. Love of my fellow soldiers, who are just as important as family, and wanting to make sure everyone comes home safe. Love of my friends and hoping that by my serving they will never have to involuntarily. Love of country, for although we have made mistakes at times I truly believe the United States is one of the greatest nations ever. Love of God, for it is my hopes that by helping those I can and standing up for what I believe in I can demonstrate His commandment to love each other as we love ourselves, and set a positive example. (Please keep in mind, I listed those in random order so please don't be offended if you felt God should have been listed first. He knows where He stands with me.) Last but not least, love of freedom. I truly believe its a right everyone has, not just Americans.

So that's how I am feeling tonight. Mind you I can't speak for the others in the unit, just myself at this time. Tomorrow I pack my military gear so that Monday I can assist the younger troops in packing their's...and with luck, remember where I put my "game face".

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